Man... i could die.

I thought it was all going well... i really did. thats why i ditched this thing. on kmorg... i had friends. i shared thoughts. i heard and was heard. but here, none of that. i have no one. all was mediocre for a couple months. i got my car back, and it's burning coolant. i dont think they're going to do anything. the shop has left my car in shambles, and i'm going to be stuck with the bill, so it seems.

my wife has re-encountered an "Ex" of hers. Her first kiss. She cant stop thinking about him. She doesnt know i know. Her best friend supports her, because i don't make her feel that way any more. Im always on about her weight, which is true. Because of that, I'm not a good husband. I do desire and love and adore my wife. And it's not conditional. I just want her to live past 35. I feel like i want to die because she... she wants something else. she's getting the idea that i must not love her, and she wants someone who has a childish, lustful, deceitful attraction to her, even if it is a real attraction. She only cares about behavior, it seems, and not true feelings or anything of real value. i dont even know what the hell im talking about anymore.

the point is this: she's hot for another guy, because i talk about her weight. her friend supports her because if i'm placing the condition of her weight loss on my love for her, which i'm not.

yeah. i love my wife. i talk about her diet choices on a daily basis. it makes her feel bad. i know.

all of this..........to see her ... hate me ? no... leave me ? no... want out ? no....

i do it because i love her. i want her to LIVE, not die. i want her to ... not hurt so much when she trips off a curb and twists her ankle. i want to jog with her... i want to do MORE in bed with her... i want MORE of her... which can only happen, if she loses some of herself, both physically and mentally.

she thinks i'm too controlling, and i am. i dont mean to be... and i tell her that. i apoligise and talk and try... i'm the type to talk out every little thing, and i think out everything i do... when i talk to her, she plays along... she thinks i'm being negative. i sound like it sometimes, but i tell her again and again... that i'm not. i just want to talk , you know ? so it goes like this: i bring something up, in a general fashion. she doesnt want to talk about it. For instance: cleaning hair from tub drain. she pushes me away, hating the fact that i'm bringing it up again. she says OK and that's it. over and over and over. once or twice a week, i ask, she says ok, and nothing changes. that's why i'm negative. then, sometimes, she'll say OK, and i'll ask for more than an OK. this is the "Controlling" aspect of me. i always want more. i strive for consistency, and only then am i satisfied. if i ask three things of her, and 2 are done consistently... what about the third ? or if all three are done half-assed, what's the point ?

none of that even effects our day to day issues, though. if she'd see i love her and only want what's best for her, and our household, she would understand.... she's my WIFE. not some ... woman... some... peice of ass... she is part of me..... and i NEED her... i need to take care of her. i HATE it when she doesnt care, i see her killing herself... and it makes me do the same. she is my motivation to continue life. if hers is being cut short by the minute, in front of my eyes... how can she not care ? she... is killing me ? why ? i know it's hard... but, is it easier for her to see me suffer than to make a change for the better of both of us ? if she would realize my point of view regarding this issue, she'd understand....... consistency. certainty. dare i say... predictability ?

i have lived with alicia and loved her, for more than two years now. i have, indeed, gotten bitter over the accusations being cast my way... what can i say. i have a problem. uncapable of showing emotion in normal ways. genetically prone to seek out patterns and routines. it's like mild forms of OCD/Bipolar/ODD rolled into one. She knows, but forgets. to me, it'd be as obvious an issue as her weight. oops there i go again. fuck me. nite nite.